March & April, Ups & Downs

Hi Everyone! How are you doing? I hope whatever form of social distancing or national lockdown you are experiencing at the moment is not taking away your joy and your strength.

As many of you know, I celebrated my birthday a week ago Saturday. I turned 29 years old, and I had a special day filled with board games, wine and cheese, and custard. On top of that, it was filled with family, friends, and prayer, which I really appreciate.

Before I went to bed on my birthday, I had the thought of reading Psalm 29 and Proverbs 29, to see what they say. (I’m doing a year-long focus on Romans, so once in a while I find a “random” chapter or book to read to vary from Romans). And I really enjoyed Psalm 29 and Proverbs 29, so I thought I’d simply share the verses that stuck out to me. Some are encouragements, and some are convicting. I’m just going to be honest with you and share from the heart my first reactions I had to these passages, and hope that they spur you on in your faith. There won’t be any sermon or exegesis, just one believer sharing with readers. Then at the end I’ll share a few Fearless Family Updates.

Also, a disclaimer is necessary: Please excuse me in that there are no photos in this post… I just wanted to get an update out despite the lack of data and cell signal, and figured fewer photos would be my key to success this time.

Here goes:)

From Psalm 29:

vv1-2 “Give the LORD glory and strength … worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness.”

I’m currently reading Francis Chan’s book “Letters to the Churches” and was struck by the awe and splendor we should have for God. For the sacredness of his temple (that we now as believers are a part of that temple that God dwells in), and how spectacular God is. So I liked this command in verses 1 and 2 to essentially pause and focus on God, giving him glory, and worshiping him in the splendor of his holiness.

v5 “The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars;”

In verse 5 as well as verses 7-9, the psalm talks about powerful and miraculous things that the mere voice of God can do. Can you imagine seeing a large cedar tree split at the voice of God!? That his voice can shake the wilderness? If you can’t imagine it, take a moment to think about why, and ask God to help you believe in His power and the power of faith in Him.

v11 “The LORD gives His people strength; the LORD blesses His people with peace.”

Isn’t that good news? Aren’t His strength and peace essentially the two things we need right now on this earth? Don’t be shy and powerless and lose His strength- you can get through your challenges with Him! And don’t lose your peace. Don’t give in to fear, especially during this “unprecedented time.” Anchor yourself in the strength and peace that endure.

From Proverbs 29:

v4 “By justice a king brings stability to a land, but a man who demands “contributions” demolishes it.”

My footnotes say that the word “contributions” in Hebrew usually refers to offerings in worship. This struck me because sometimes we have leaders that are asking us to “worship” them in some form or another, and sometimes without them asking, we place leaders in a place of worship. I was reminded we need to pray for and honor our leaders, but don’t look to them for all the solutions to your problems! Your government (no matter which city or which country you live in) is not your savior.

v18 “Without vision (revelation) people run wild.”

This hits home for me as well during these times. We must know what our individual mission in life is. If you’re a believer and you haven’t written down your vision for your life, just as any business would have their vision and mission statement, take a few minutes to start drafting it. If you’re married, you should have a mission statement for yourself and for your marriage. Don’t waste your life “running wild” in the sense that you don’t have direction, don’t know your purpose, and are so busy reacting to the blows of the world that you are tossed here and there. Don’t be reactive. Be proactive and pray for vision and direction.

v20 “Do you see a man who speaks too soon? There is more hope for a fool than for him.”

Ouch. Guys, I’m guilty of this one. It’s not the first time I’ve read this verse and prayed “Lord help me.” I hope if you ask Brierly whether I’ve improved in holding my tongue or letting him finish his thought or his sentence before I barge in with my reactions/thoughts/improvements, that he would say I’ve gotten better in the last decade he’s known me. But he would also say, rightly so, that I’m not there yet. Readers, I’m just taking a moment to be honest with you. Maybe you could take this opportunity to pray for me that I grow in my listening skills and tongue-holding skills. Thanks.

There are a few more verses that I underlined in these passages, but I think I’ll stop there. My prayer is you’ve seen encouragement, challenge, and humanity in my reflections.

As far as updates on my family, I’ll share some highlights and lowlights of March in particular, since that was a big month for us. Firstly, Charlotte started walking and has not looked back! It was nearly an exponential growth, since it seemed like the first day she took 2 steps, followed by 10 steps a couple days later, and then she was off! I have really enjoyed watching her explore life on 2 feet. I’m thankful we are at Ebenezer where there is lots of room for her to explore and enjoy the outdoors.

Secondly, Brierly had a bout of Tick Bite Fever in early March. He had the recurring fever kind, where he felt fine during the day, just a little weak, but then major chills, loss of appetite, deep aches in his joints, and a high fever would come like clockwork for 4 evenings in a row. This was particularly hard for me, since it would come at a time when Charlotte (like most kids) was difficult around that 4-6pm time, I would be trying to cook dinner and the solar lights were off for the day so I’d be using lamps and candles, and I was in my first trimester, so the progesterone was kicking in all sorts of exhaustion, bloating, and for some reason I usually get morning sickness around supper time. So while Brierly was shivering in bed, I was almost wishing I got to shiver in bed too that week!

And then the low of March. When I was 11.5 weeks pregnant, we went for an ultrasound. Right away, the tech let us know there was a problem. In fact, there was a pregnancy, and there was a gestational sac measuring 8 weeks, but there was no baby. No fetal pole, no heart beat. We had a blighted ovum pregnancy. Our hearts were broken, and honestly my thoughts were “Here we go again.” A second failed pregnancy, another time where my body deceived me and let me carry on being pregnant almost a whole month after things stopped progressing in my womb.

This was on Tuesday the 24th of March that we learned this hard news. And Zimbabwe was set to start a national lockdown for Covid-19 the following Monday. So, I was put in touch with a specialist through some family friends who agreed to see me that week and determine whether I needed a D&C. We drove back into town (an hour each way) on Thursday, saw the OB/GYN, and he said I should come the next morning for the procedure.

I praise God that the D&C went smoothly, there were no complications, and I didn’t have any pain in the recovery. As I write today, I’m three weeks out from the small operation. I still have discomforts as my body re-calibrates. And I definitely think my hormones are still not back to non-pregnant levels. Some moments I cry and feel weak, and others I’m joyfully moving forward. I hope we know by now that grief looks different in everyone, and we go through the stages differently. I’ve had a wonderful small list of friends and family that have been surrounding me in prayers and love since that Tuesday. I could not imagine going through this (again) without them. Messages, chocolate, and quality time have been major blessings.

To tell you the truth, when I set out to write this update, I wasn’t sure whether I was ready or interested in sharing about our miscarriage yet. I was going to be happy sharing from Psalm 29 and Proverbs 29 and leaving it at that. But I’m finding out about myself that I’m not the kind to wait to share a story until I’m through it and have the right words to say and the emotions are polished off. I’d rather just give it to you as I’m receiving it. I’d rather you know now what to pray for if you want to pray for me. I’d rather not say “I’m fine” when really it’s been a heck of a day.

So, it turns out it is time for me to share about this loss, since I ended up hitting the “publish” button with these paragraphs included. But can I take a quick moment and tell you a few things I’m thankful for? So that we can direct our thoughts on things above? (I don’t always think things need a happy ending, rather I’m trying to focus on truths and not let feelings be my reality).

I’m thankful for:

-a meaningful time with friends and family celebrating my birthday and remembering Jesus’ resurrection last week.

-friends that have bought me chocolate, wine and cheese to enjoy

-friends praying for me

-going on a nice hike around a local cave

-Charlotte continuing to be her joyful, smiley self during all of March’s struggles, as it kept me and Brierly smiling on rough days

-that I feel something stirring in my spirit as I read Letters to the Church (Chan) and dream about what a bit more faith and prayer might unleash in my life and my community.

Thanks for reading, and thank you to those who have sent love during the tough times and during the celebratory times in the last few weeks! I love you.

Growing in Courage,

Mackenzie